August 2007

“You know sometimes I think people around me are so fake, they say something and mean something else, they lie to you and whenever they get a chance they hurt you just because you are sincere to them and then they justify their actions. I have lost the trust in people…”

” but this is not a healthy attitude…how do you overcome this ? “

” I just try holding hand of an infant”


“Do you remember Victoria?”

“Who? that singer in the Angels bar? Yes, I remember her. why?”

“She was one of the most honest woman I have ever gone out with”

“But she was a…….sorry, I mean she was a bar girl who came to you because of your money and she told you this, didn’t she?”

” Yes she did, but still I felt happy and peaceful with her “

” Have you gone mad!? You are going to be engaged with such a nice girl then suddenly where does this Victoria come from?”

” You know, she said what she really meant , no lies, no cheating “

مجھے آج بھی سب یاد ہے
بچپن کے وہ سارے خواب
تعبیر جو نہ کبھی ہوئے
وہ ان کہی سی خواہشیں
نہ کبھی جو پوری ہو سکیں
وہ چھوٹی چھوٹی شرارتیں
نہ کبھی جو سرزد ہو سکیں
جوانی کے وہ دن بھی جو
کٹے ہیں سارے ہی دھوپ میں
زندگی کے بہت سے راز
عیاں ہوئے اپنے ہی روپ میں
درد کی شدت کہ چلنا دوبھر
قدم میرے پر رکے نہیں
ہر دن کی اذیت جواں رہی
میری زندگی یوں رواں رہی
میرا پیار مجھ سے بچھڑ گیا
میں تو اپنے آپ سے ڈر گیا
میری زندگی ہی غریب تھی
یہ زیست شاید نصیب تھی
گر آج اپنی اس عمر میں
دیکھتا ہوں جو لوٹ کر
کوئی ایک قصہ حسیں نہیں
میں تو جیسے کبھی جیا نہیں
ماضی گرچہ تلخ سہی
مجھے پھر بھی یہ عزیز ہے
میرا ماضی مجھ سے مت چھینو
میرا ایک ہی تو رقیب ہے

یہ دنیا خوبصورت ہے“ سے ”

I remember it even today
dreams of childhood
that never came true
the unsaid wishes
that never got fulfilled
the little mischief
that could never happen
days of youth too
that were spent in the burning sun
many secrets of life
revealed in their own way
Intense pain made it difficult to move on
but it could not stop me
every day brought torture
my life kept moving this way
I lost my love
I was scared of myself
my life was empty
may be it was my fate
Now when I look back
there is not a single beautiful event
like I have never lived
Past was bitter
but still precious to me
do not take my past away
this is the only adversary I have

– fromYeh Dunya Khubsoorat HaiCopyrights Reserved

بتا اے جانِ تمنا کیا تیرے نام لکھوں
وفائیں، خواب، خوشی، اپنی صبح و شام لکھوں


My love what should I dedicate to you
My loyality, dreams, joy and every day & night


The following day Khalid asked me to join them as they were going out for dinner but I told him I wanted to be at home and try to read something.
“ Now a days you don’t seem to be normal, everything ok?” he asked
“ Yes , why? Why did you ask ?”
“ no reason, but you don’t even go out in the evenings and I don’t even see you playing like you used to do”
“ Yes, I was not feeling like it. I will join you guys next week “ I wanted to finish the conversation.
“ Ok, then will talk to you , Khuda Hafiz “ he finished the call.

I ate my dinner gulping down whatever was on the plate and then sat down at my computer staring at my screen and there she was.
“ Hi Leila, how are you “ I did not waste a single moment to message her.
“ Hey Ayaz! I am fine and you?” She seemed to bring positive energy.
“ Al-hamdolillah, am good as ever”
“ You are not mad at me, are you” she still had that thing in mind
“ Not at all, I wouldn’t have written to you if I were. I am quite an open person. When I feel good or really bad because of other person, I let her know” I clarified.
“ Thats good. I am relaxed now” She smiled.
“ I loved reading your mail and I read it again and again. I wanted more and more . I wanted to know more about your passions and likes/ dislikes “ She was curious like any other woman.
“ I told you whatever came to my mind. Now what do you wanna know? Ask me and I will tell you if I could”
“ Do you have any girl in your life?”
“ No, else I wouldn’t be talking to you”
“ Are you romantic ?”

“ I am a romantic in the sense that I love being in and with nature. I can walk miles alone at the bank of the river, being happy and thoughtful. . But if you are talking as in romantic with girl? Then I don’t know, never been with one to that stage”
“Have you ever thought about it?”
“ Well, yes, I always think if I have that girl in my life I would like to spend hours with her in presence of mother nature. Looking into her soul through her eyes, not saying any word “
“ O my gosh!…tell me what else?”
“ Walking with her in the trees during autumn, holding her hands and she leaning on my shoulders and we both talking about our past, present and future”
“ o gosh.! will kill me with these talks. Ayaz!!, where were you till now!! Where were you hiding!! “ she shouted.
“ What do you mean?” I laughed out.
“ You know what I mean. How come you are still single?!” she was energized like the toy with energizer battery.
“ I don’t know, for sure , why I am still single. First it is fate, second I was not ready to think about it because of my financial commitments, and third , girls of today do not marry because of words or just the feelings you have for them. They have evolved into more practical beings now” I was trying to convey my personal observations and experiences.
“ But you seem to be an honest guy, a professional, a man with feelings and a great sense of humor. How come girls have left you alone?”
“ You should ask this question to the girls. By the way, just to clarify I am no Richard Gere nor do I own a Ferrari. My bank balance is hardly enough to buy me an air ticket to Pakistan”
“ I am not looking for Gere or Ferrari” She sounded annoyed.
“ I am happy that you are not otherwise I would have you redirected. Are you sure you are a girl of today?..or a ghost from the medieval times” I laughed with sarcastic touch.
She did not respond.
“ Ok now don’t get mad at me because I speak the naked truth. Tell me about your passions and what do you wanna do in life?” I tried to switch the role.
“ You got scared, didn’t you” she was amused.
“ Yes I did, I don’t want to sound offensive but truth always offends someone. Anyways, lets go back to you. Answer my question”
“ My passions…I want to fall deeply in love with the guy who loves me. I am very romantic by nature”
“ Now I can understand those ‘gosh’ remarks “ I chuckled.
“ yea, this is why I could not control. I was happily surprised that you think the same way. Hmmm… so my other passion is dance. I love to dance”
“ and I want to be a doctor so that I can help people”
“ I am impressed”
“ Do you think I will be able to carry on these things in life” she wanted my confirmation.
“ If you are passionate about these things then you will. But be clear about your priorities. In life what we say is different than what we do and then we look for excuses.”
“ I will try to keep this in mind Ayaz, Thankyou”
“ You welcome!”.

– fromLeila – a love untold Copyrights Reserved

( This Poem is dedicated to those of us who can not see the colors of flower or hear the sounds of birds or communicate in words, the way most of us do. I penned it down and posted it few months ago . Adil Najam’s post reminded me of this poem and thought I should post it again; this time in urdu script and english translation.)

میں بھی تو تیرے جیسا ہوں
گو ڈھنگ ہمارے جدا جدا
تو پھول کے سارے رنگ لئے
میں خوشبو اپنے سنگ لئے
تو نغموں کی آواز لئے
میں چپ کا غمگیں ساز لئے
سورج تجھے روشن کر جائے
مجھے حدتِ جاں سی بھر جائے
تو لفظوں میں آواز بھرے
میں لہروں پر پرواز کروں
تو نے جسے دیکھ کے جانا ہے
میں نے چھو کر پہچانا ہے
تو بھی تو نظارے دیکھتا ہے
میں بھی تو بہاریں ڈھونڈتا ہوں
تو بھی تو صدائیں دیتا ہے
میں بھی تو دعائیں مانگتا ہوں
تو مجھ کو بتا اے دوست میرے
کیا فرق پھر ہم دونوں میں ہوا
اک خالق کی مخلوق ہیں ہم
ہے دونوں میں وہ بسا ہوا

یہ دنیا خوبصورت ہے“ سے ”


I am just like you
though our ways are different
You carry colors of flower
and I, its fragrance
You bring sounds of joy
and I, sad music of silence
Sun brings light to you
and warmth to my life
You induce sounds in the words
and I float on their waves
You recognize by the look
and I, by the touch
You look for the scenery
and I too, for the springs
You call out for HIM
and I too, pray to HIM
Then tell me my friend
how are we two different
We are creation of one LORD
and HE resides in both the souls

– fromYeh Dunya Khubsoorat HaiCopyrights Reserved

“You don’t have to be a fantastic hero to do certain things – to compete. You can be just an ordinary chap, sufficiently motivated to reach challenging goals.”

Sir Edmund Hillary

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